Looking over my shoulder

I have taken many steps.

Gone above the 10,000 a day, each day. Separating myself from that time/past/event/experience. Yet here we are, faced with bumping into each other, catching a glimpse of the other across the room, eyes locking for a second too long.

It all comes back

The feeling of weakness, the control and security in myself drained out in an instant- left with being on the edge of tears, numbed and hollow. In a room of people, with my shield of friends there to catch me, all I can do is try to breath, smile that its all going to be fine and it will. I tell myself that I AM STRONG. But the mantra isn’t working, I’m tearing up on the dance floor, the lump in my throat won’t go away.

I have taken many steps

I have distanced myself

I am a stronger and happier person, but in that moment I am lost at sea, sinking below the waves, wanting to come up for air but paralysed.

I am looking over my shoulder when he is around, fearful of his gaze.

That is a part of me, but I am stronger for it, we can only walk forwards; swim towards the surface because if we look backwards, let the water consume us, then they win.

I have taken many steps.

I will take many more.

xo

Atop the waves

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