I wasn’t quite sure if I should share this.
As we are all quite aware these days the problem of consent, assault and abuse of women and vulnerable people is a very pressing and current issue. When it comes to rape, or assault or sexual misconduct, I think many of us, well I did anyways, have the conception that it happens in dark alleys, or in closed off spaces, with someone you might not know. But it can and does occur with people who you do know. That was what I recently found out anyways.
I didn’t think it was what it was until I verbalised that night’s events to a friend. Their reaction acting like a permission slip to realising that what had happened was wrong.
That night I had never felt so disconnected from myself, I felt trapped in a box. This white box of non-feeling and numbness, my mind blank. I thought that he could or would feel how I was not into it. But all that came after I had very clearly said no, no I do not want to have sex. NO, I am not having sex tonight.
He didn’t listen, having now had a conversation with him, he thought it was a joke, something not to take seriously. How in gods name do you not take that seriously? I never said it in a sarcastic or joking manner. I kept trying for you not to kiss me. But I shouldn’t have to worry about the way in which no was said. If I said no, then I said no. Simple as that.
As I said at the beginning, I wasn’t sure I should share this. I don’t want anyone to get hurt or be hurt by reading this. I am ok and he has apologised. No penetration happened that night, but it still went too far. I think that the part of me that didn’t want to share this is the worry that people in my real life will read this, speculate or worry. Or that You will read this. On more reflection though, I think I’m sharing this because this space is a space where I push myself to be more open and if I cannot be open here then where can I be?
NO
Again
you were upset
Again
I offered to be there
how stupid of me
You said your piece
I fell into that trap again
accidently manipulated
A hug that changed
Your lips seeking mine
I turned my head away
but yours just followed
Persistence
took my clothes
one layer at a time
my thigh, my breast
Although I can feel your hands
they do not register
I am trapped in a white box,
It all feels wrong,
I said no
but you did not listen.
