Nervous

Many things make my heart race. Be it when I’m dying on the treadmill after 10 minutes, or if I’ve had one too many coffees that day, but it can also be while in a seminar there has been that awkward pause after the tutor has posed a question and no one is quite sure who should be the first to chime in. There is the obvious things too, like public speaking, or that rush when standing in a high up place or getting on a plane off to somewhere else. Recently though I found a new thing that made my heart rush, hands not sure what to do with themselves, butterflies in my stomach.


 

Thud Thud

I’m nervous,

cannot tell if its the coffee or that you’re sitting in front of me

or

if it’s what I’m going to say

my question burns in my mind, as it has done for days

hashed and re hashed, over and over

my running internal monologue that has kept me up at night, pushing in when on the treadmill which reminds me of you

oddly

I’m nervous

things will change

I dont want you to go, but I don’t know if I’m ready for you either

we talk

our weeks full, both busy

the break in our trivia is when I take that leap off the edge

I can feel it in the air, we know the question is coming but neither quite ready to ask

I’m nervous

the question comes tumbling out of my mouth,

just how we tumbled around late at night

it tumbles, gets caught in my rambles

the attempt to explain,  mitigate the change

we’re not ready

I want to be ready, you feel like the right fit

you make me nervous

you get nervous,

eyes flitting between the cups on the table, the window behind me, briefly my eyes

but then gone

gone

I’m still nervous

I want to see you still,

maybe you will too

broken by the transaction we move to a safer ground

nervous

still nervous

 

 

 

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